This is the third episode of a series of short stories inspired by Christmas. The actual name of this story is “Unknown”.
It is not clear whether the Christmas episodes are canonical with the rest of the series. Jamie has explained that they are discarded chapters from Belinda Blinked. Rocky also makes frequent references to "the timeline" which he claims to have been mapping and following religiously since the very first book, implying that these are not part of the 'story' he is trying to tell. However, given the erratic nature of the writing and the numerous plot holes, it is entirely possible that these are supposed to take place within this timeline.
All Characters In The Story[]
- Belinda Blumenthal
- Bella Ridley
- Maeve
- Patrick O'Hamlyn
- Des Martin (disguised as Santa Claus)
- The Duchess
- Jim Thompson
Unknown[]
It's Christmas eve in London, and the snow was blistering outside. Belinda Blumenthal was feeling "bored to the bones of man" in her office at Steele's Pots and Pans. She was trying to enjoy a song tape that Bella Ridley had made her, but she just wasn't feeling very festive. Plus, the songs were mostly covers by Popstars she'd never heard of. Bella, dancing next to Belinda, encourages her to dance and sing with her. Later, Belinda visits Harold's of London (no relation to Harrods) and notices that she has seen a lot of the products in the sex toy department of the store in The Duchess' secret sex cupboards at Epsom Hall and says to herself that she envies The Duchess' sex toy collection. She also notices a very large dildo emblazoned with Christmassy writing. She returns to Steele's headquarters and pays a visit to the company's Santa grotto, constructed that day by Maeve and Patrick O'Hamlyn, which contains a Christmas tree and a barrel of mead (which Belinda is not impressed by) but visits 'Santa Claus' regardless. She sits on his lap and appears very excited to see him 'again' (and becomes angered that he doesn't remember her, but reconciles with herself that he is probably very busy and sees lots of people around the Christmas period), prompting Team Porno to wonder if Belinda still believes in Santa. Santa asks her if she's been a good girl and Belinda responds that she has not met her targets in the last quarter of the financial year and Santa says that he knew that, since he knows whether people have been naughty or nice, prompting Team Porno to question why he asked her in the first place. He also asks her what she wants for Christmas, and she responds that she wants a Genital Gerbil (no relation to Rampant Rabbit), presumably a vibrator, and explains how it works to Santa. He begins to get worked up and they have sex, and afterwards Santa remarks that he usually doesn't ejaculate, complimenting Belinda on her sexiness. Belinda asks him who he really is and Santa takes his beard off, revealing himself to be none other than RSM Des Martin (earlier in the chapter Alice believed it could have been Sir James Godwin). Belinda gets angry, saying that he has ruined her fantasy (at this point Team Porno realises she was only pretending to believe in Santa for her own sexual pleasure) but he calms her down and they soon get right back to sex, ending the chapter in each other's arms.